How does it feel?

This is a post that is long overdue. Postponed for very many reasons, but itching to be written nonetheless.

Have written earlier about the habit of internalizing most experiences. About the need to be compulsively articulate in select few spaces. And then again, the experience of those feelings that are subliminal. Creeping up on you every now and then, never fully rising to the fore, settling like deadweight somewhere in between. Till you get used to carrying a certain heaviness on you - almost comforting in its familiarity – stifling as it may be otherwise. When you feel occasionally relieved of it, you unconsciously begin searching for it, preempting its presence even. And then you know, something’s not right inside. Yes, I am talking about grief. The art of grieving. And the ability to cope, heal and grow through this.

We are all products of our childhood, I believe. Absorbing the direct and indirect messages that we receive from parents and primary caregivers, responding to stimuli in our immediate environment. We see evidence of their formative influence on our thoughts, behaviour and actions and even if the link is not immediately decipherable, the pattern is clear in retrospect. Some of us are conditioned into suppressing the way we feel, all our efforts directed at control and management rather than articulation and analysis of what lies beneath. Boys and girls, men and women alike – we live in a culture that often does not allow demonstration and expression. We are encouraged to suck it in, be strong and soldier on. Others will argue that a culture like ours makes adequate space for expressions of grief and mourning. The rituals afford time for families to come together, the particular rites offer cleansing and catharsis even. The emphasis on an afterlife lends solace to the bereaved and there is celebration of the life that was and the one that is. Maybe, ours is a generation caught in between. Our lives are private and insular, our sorrows are our own and our coping mechanisms largely aimed at making do and getting by.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that we should stay with some of these unresolved feelings. Not suck it in, be strong and soldier on. Allow ourselves the space to mourn a loved one, not judge this as an indulgence. Acknowledge those emotions (rage, sorrow, disbelief and despair) that threaten to overwhelm and find safe outlets for their expression. Seek help (counselling, grief healing, support groups) when needed, not look upon it as a sign of weakness. Recognise the fact our lives have changed irrevocably, that we have changed beyond measure and actively look for means of realignment. Reach out to those who come from similar places with empathy and compassion – reach out to ourselves. Not resent those who tell us to heal differently, try and focus on their intent. And finally, learn to let go of the heaviness and make peace our own way.